We got up and had breakfast, calling our midwife at about 8 to tell her we would probably need her later in the day. Wayne’s parents and my Mum were staying with us at the time, I went to lie down in our bedroom when they were starting to get up, I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. Wayne took them out to get some groceries. The plan was they would return to pick up their bags and then leave for a hotel. It felt like he was gone forever when they returned it felt like they were taking as long as they possibly could to pack and leave. My Mum came to talk to me, I think she was still hoping I would change my mind and ask her to stay for the birth. I went back to the bedroom with Wayne and heard the birth pool being pumped up (by our parents). ARGH JUST LEAVE!
Finally about 1pm, Wayne and I were alone. We rearranged the furniture, blew up the pool, put up my poster and candles on my altar. Later in the afternoon we went down to the beach for a walk. Ah it was bliss, I felt like I could keep walking forever. I would stop every couple of minutes to hold onto the old wooden sleepers to breathe through the contractions. This was my favourite part, just the three of us, breathing deeply the salty sea air, it felt so right. The contractions were coming stronger and more often, but the air had turned cold and we began the trip home. The car ride was hell! There was no possible comfortable position. We got home and I cooked dinner, the contractions felt stronger, but I could still talk and laugh. I knew I still had a long time to go.
We tried going to bed at about 10pm, but I couldn’t lie down. I spoke to my midwife J and said that my contractions were around 3 minutes apart, and about 40 seconds long. She said she would come, and arrived at 1am. Wayne filled the pool, I couldn’t wait to get in. I got onto all fours, I was feeling lots of sacral pain.
I needed it hotter and deeper. More and more water, it just never felt enough on my back. They held a warm flannel on there, but I needed it harder. The contractions spread out to about 5 minutes apart. I couldn’t help but vocalise long and low aaah, ooooh’. My second midwife A arrived around 6am, she sat on the couch very quietly, but I could feel her eyes watching.
My contractions had spread to ten minutes apart. I had been hopping in and out of the pool throughout the night, the contractions didn’t get any closer. I had been drinking water and juice, but by morning I felt full and didn’t want anything but sips of water. I started to feel more wary of A, she said nothing, but I felt her talking about me. They told me we should try some things to get my contractions going. I went outside and walked around but couldn’t stand the cold air on my skin. I tried resting, but couldn’t lie down. Wayne and I danced for an hour to my favourite old music. My contractions were still 10 minutes apart. I couldn’t stop crying. I said ‘A is going to make me go to hospital isn’t she’, J told me ‘No one is going to make you go to hospital. We are going to go and get some coffee, leave you and Wayne to do your thing for a while.’
Wayne and I lay down in bed, he held me and told me it would be okay. I didn’t stop crying. J and A returned about midday. Contractions were still ten minutes apart. J suggested a vaginal examination. I was at a point when I needed something, I wanted to have made progress, I wanted to know it would be over soon. I was two centimetres. I remember saying, in between contractions ‘Two centimetres- I’m not even in labour’! By that stage, it felt like something was burning a hole in my back, I felt almost no pain in my uterus. J told us that our baby’s heart rate was good, but she recommended this would be a good time for us to go to hospital for some pain relief and augmentation, before the baby and I were too tired. I asked her the age old question ‘how long do you think it will be?’ and she told me it could be twelve hours, but it could still be twenty four.
By this point I was scared. I didn’t want to be too tired to push my baby out. I thought there was something wrong with my labour, I was asking ‘why is this taking so long? Why can’t my body do this?’ All the while I had my favourite affirmation in my head-
I am woman
I am made to do this
I am perfectly designed for birth and motherhood
I have all of the strength, stamina, courage and intuition I need.
The car ride was awful, every bump in the road felt like a red hot poker in my back. Wayne parked at the front of the hospital, and we waited for J and A to arrive. I looked at the people in front of the hospital, waiting for their taxis, smoking their cigarettes. Inside I was screaming ‘I’m not meant to be here’.
We were taken to an assessment room where I agreed to have electronic fetal monitoring. I was standing resting against the bed, the midwife insisted that I had to lie down for her to attach the straps. Twenty minutes later the midwife told us our baby’s heart rate was great, and my contractions were three minutes apart. The Obstetric registrar came in and checked the monitoring and asked to do a vaginal examination. I agreed. I was 5-6 cm. The hospital midwife then told us she would go and run the bath for me. I asked J ‘can I go in the bath for a bit and then we can go back home?’ She said they would probably get nasty if they admitted me, and then we went home. I decided I could not face a car ride home and then back to the hospital, I still felt like there was something wrong with my labour. We were taken to a birth suite and told how lucky I was, because it was so big and new. I couldn’t care less. The bath, however, was big and deep and oh so warm. I could finally get comfortable. The contractions were intense and I was loud, but I didn’t care. Wayne fed me ice chips, J tried to feed me slices of pear but I couldn’t swallow, and A gave me little nibbles of the best pink icy pole ever.
My body started pushing a little bit and I could feel my membranes bulging. The hospital midwife told us there were no midwives accredited for water birth on that night, so I had to go back to the birth suite. By this point I was pushing a little during each contraction. It was four hours after the admission vaginal examination, so the midwife did another one. My cervix was 9cm dilated, I was told to stop pushing. They had me marching on the spot with knees as high as possible and arms up ‘like branches from the tree in my birth art’. After awhile I said ‘No more’, and started pushing. The midwife made me get onto the bed, I rested with my bum in the air on a bean bag. That bean bag was bliss, I finally felt comfortable.
Finally there was a ‘pop’ and my membranes ruptured. There was meconium in the liquor, and the midwife told me she was attaching the electronic fetal monitoring. I held my hand to my perineum and could feel my skin bulging and I heard J telling the midwife to keep her hands away. Wayne then asked if he should change the video tape, as there was only twenty minutes left. I would have laughed if I could, couldn’t he see the baby practically hanging out of my vagina? J positioned Wayne in front of the midwife, so he could catch our baby, like we had planned.
Twenty minutes after my membranes ruptured at 9.43 pm, feeling like I had ripped in two, our baby slid into Wayne’s hands. I turned over onto my back, and he placed her onto my chest. She was covered in meconium and much smaller than I expected! After a little while she took a big breath and cried. All I could say is ‘My baby, my baby’. I remember thinking she looks alot like my mum.
We were skin to skin for two hours, Charlotte was not interested in feeding. I had a post partum haemorrhage, lost six hundred mls of blood. I didn’t have any more contractions after she was born, the placenta was still attached and pumping. I consented to her cord being cut, to see if it would help the placenta come away, still hoping for a physiological third stage. I tried standing, I tried squatting, I tried sitting on the toilet. After another half hour I consented to an injection of syntocinon, two minutes later, I passed the placenta. Wayne came and lay in bed with us and we marvelled at our beautiful little daughter. She weighed 2.88 kg and the midwife commented that it was lucky she was over 2.5 kgs, or she would have to be admitted to the nursery. I felt like my perineum had torn badly, but it wasn’t so bad. It stung so much that I wouldn’t have let the midwife give me sutures even if she suggested them.
At 1am J and A went home. Wayne was not allowed to stay overnight, I wanted to go home with Wayne, but we didn’t have the car seat. To drive home and back again, we wouldn’t have got home until 4am. He went home at 2.30am, promising to return as soon as he’d had a little sleep. A little bit after he went home a paediatrician came to discuss why I was ‘withholding care’ from our baby- I signed a form to refuse hepatitis b vaccination and vitamin k. Overnight I hand expressed to feed Charlotte, she still wasn’t interested in feeding. Wayne came back at 8am and took us home.
When I walked into our home, the place where our baby was meant to be born my heart felt full, but broken. My beautiful baby was born, I had pushed her out of my vagina, but it wasn’t meant to happen like that. Seeing the birth pool still full, the candles burnt down, it all screamed ‘a baby was MEANT to be born here’. I felt let down, I felt grateful. I was crazy in love, I was crazy.
